I Was A Fraud!

Last year, I shared with a friend about how I had reached the darkest place in my life in 2009 as I struggled with my dad’s suicide that had happened some 30 years earlier.  He interrupted me at one point and said “But it appeared you had everything.”  At that point, I realized just how much of a fraud I had been.  It was in 2009 that I thought I had it all and that I had reached  the mountain top of success in my life – I was making great money, had an unlimited entertainment expense account, travelled all over the US, dined at the most expensive restaurants, had a new house, a company car, and a beautiful family.  I tried my hardest to fill the pain of being fatherless with all the things a man can come up with to temporarily make myself feel better.  And that was just it, all of those things were just a temporary fix.   It was only when God showed me forgiveness for my dad that I was able to find peace and my identity as a beloved son of God.   And when you have that as a man, there is no need for all the junk the world has to offer.  For 30 years, I had tried to build this false persona of who I wanted people to believe that I was.  Looking back, it would have been so much easier just to be myself.

How My Girls Look At Me

My four-year old daughter was watching me work out the other day (which is very unusual, the working out part) and she started trying to copy me.  Every once in a while, she would start laughing and it would make me start to laugh.  As I stood there doing difficult, uncomfortable exercises, I realized that she was just acting out what she saw me doing.  And it made me start thinking about how our kids watch everything we do.  They want to be just like us.  One of the most important things that God has shown in my journey over the last two years is the way our kids look at us.  I have three little girls.  My girls look at the way I treat my wife and they see that as normal.  So, if I treat my wife disrespectfully by yelling at her, calling her names, or physically abusing her, my girls are going to see that as normal.  When they grow up and become a wife and mom, they are going to think that being yelled at, called names, or physically abused is normal.  Who in their right mind wants that for their child?  Just the same, if my wife screams at me or belittles me in front of my girls, they are going to see that as normal.  When they grow up, they are going to think they can do the same to their husband and that it is okay.  I always felt that I was a pretty good father, but I always knew I could be a better husband.  I never physically or verbally abused my wife.  However, I was never the shining example of what a husband should be like either. Today, I am very aware of what I say to my wife and how I respond to my wife when I am around my kids.  I hug and kiss on my wife in front of my kids as much as possible, not only because I love her and feel blessed beyond words to have her, but also because I realized the importance of the fact that I am the model of the man, husband, and father that my girls might someday marry. 

And Jesus said, “I will never leave you.  I will never forsake you.”  Hebrews 13:5

One Simple Question That Changed My Life

It was about 5 years ago and I was playing golf with a friend of mine.  I was telling him about some of the struggles that I was having at that time in my life and he said, “John, you grew up without a dad, right?”  I replied, “Yes, I did, but I have an amazing mom”.  And I went on to give him a 10 minute explanation about how my mom is the most incredible mother a boy could ever ask for.  Once I stopped, he said, “But was she a dad?”  It was a very simple question and yet it had an impact that I never expected.  It was as if he had hit me across the head with a two by four.  I remember just standing there in the middle of the fairway, as if time stood still, thinking about the question.  For the first time in my life, I realized that even though I had the most amazing mom in the world, she could not be a dad.  And, most importantly, what I soon came to understand was that a mother cannot replace a father and the influence that a father has on a young man growing up.  My friend introduced to me to the term Father Wound and he went on to explain how a Father Wound can happen in many ways.  For example, it can be a father never saying I love you, a father verbally or physically abusing a child, or the most common one which is an absent father, a father who is never around or wanting to spend time with his children.  My father committed suicide when I was eleven years old and I had no idea the impact that act would have on the rest of my life, especially as an adult.  Because I didn’t have a father growing up and showing me how to act as a young man, I bought into all that the world tells us we need to have and be as men.  The world convinces men that we need money, power, alcohol, a great job title, a big house and a nice car, just to name a few.  Fortunately, about two years ago, I decided it was time to take a step toward God and the healing that He longed for me to have.  God showed me how to forgive my father for what he had done and He gave me a new perspective on life, my wife, and my kids.  He gave me a peace and hope like I never imagined.  If you have a father wound, He wants to do the same for you.  But you have to take a step.

And Jesus said, “I will never leave you.  I will never forsake you.”  Hebrews 13:5